This week on My 2 Cents:

10 Things I Hate About Helicopter Parents

  1. That there are parents called helicopter parents. I can’t believe that’s a term. There doesn’t need to be a term for those. They already have a name. They’re called IDIOTS.
  2. That you douse everything in hand sanitizer. Why? Do you think that your kid is going to get sick from touching the jungle gym at the play place? Guess what? Your kid is already allergic to peanuts and shellfish and gluten and oxygen and dogs and cats and grass and dust and dirt because they aren’t allowed to touch anything. Want to save money? Buy them an over-sized hamster ball to roll around in. Plus, my kid is going to get an extra $5 allowance for touching your kid’s face right in front of you, just to piss you off.
  3. Parenting hashtags. #amazingparent #parentgoals #supermom. Take those hash tags and play tic tac toe with them. You know what dropping off your kids to 3 different sports is, followed by making supper, followed by homework and bedtime? It’s called PARENTING. If you are taking selfies of you and your kids because you are a super mom who is taking them to the movies and the mall, no one cares. That’s your job now that you had kids. It’s parenting. You don’t get to brag about being better than the other parents because you took your kid to gymnastics 3 times this week. Big deal. My parents managed to parent without calling all their friends on the rotary phone to say #itookdarcytohockeysupermomgoals. Here’s a hashtag for you #pretentiousdouche.
  4. Helicopter kids camps. I took my kid to day camp today. Day camp was always code for “get the hell away from me, child.” It’s a break time for you. The day camp today had PARENT FREE ZONES. Yes. I know. Ridiculous. Camps now have to have zones where parents cannot interfere with their children and the camp program. Here’s some advice, people who must be in the parent free zone. Your child is going to grow up to be socially inept and will be a perpetual bed wetter. Didn’t you think that maybe camp is a break for your child from YOU? Disgraceful that parents feel the need to interfere with instructors and their children.
  5. Instructions on how to parent at my house. Guess what. If your kid is at my house, it’s my rules. Yes, if they need insulin or seizure medication, give me the instructions. Otherwise, sorry, your child will not eat 7 celery sticks a 6:42 pm just like home, and I am not going to make your child recite Shakespearean Sonnet 130 before being allowed to eat because you are evil and make your child work for their food. Your child is also going to be a bed wetter. Don’t text me every 30 minutes to make sure that your kid is alive. I’ll let you know if that status changes.
  6. Psychotic Sports Parents. Remember when parents came to cheer? And help your kid tie their skates? Now parents are screaming at their children like they’re out of the family if they don’t get that Timbits Hockey goal. Guess what, insane parents? Even if your child does become a pro athlete, or a pro dancer, or a pro-stitute, you have no influence on that. You fighting in the stands only reduces your child’s self esteem and makes them secretly hate you. I hate you, too. But it’s not a secret.
  7. They need a law that kids over 3 years old are not allowed to have their parents at the playground or within 25 metres of it. Why? Because I don’t want to watch you chase your child around with your hands up in the air in case your child falls. You look ridiculous. Your child is embarrassed by you. If they are not embarrassed by you, you’re raising a serial killer. Someday your child must realize that there is gravity. And that you cannot conquer gravity. Kids need to fall, even if they hurt something. Plus, you’re in my kid’s way. He is trying to have fun on a child’s play structure. You are not supposed to be on it.
  8. Further to #7, do not touch my kid on the playground. If he falls, he falls. It is not your job to FOLLOW my child around making sure he does not fall. Or asking me every time he trips if he’s ok. My parenting style does not include justifying to you why my child can play on the play structure without coaching or a spotter. Don’t touch him, either. Keep your helicopter to yourself.
  9. Every toy doesn’t need to teach your child something. Don’t look down on my parenting because my kid is playing hot wheels instead of watching an educational Elmo video in between doing manual dexterity exercises and learning a second language in his sleep. Childhood is supposed to be fun! Park your helicopter and let your kid play with a toy instead of expecting him to secure a spot in Harvard at age 7. No one cares that your child scored this or that or went to this pre-school or not. Really, all we care about is, is the child toilet trained? Can he dress himself? The rest will come in time.
  10. I can tell what kids are owned by helicopter parents. They’re the miserable, loud, obnoxious, rude, insolent children at the mall that everyone is glaring at. Want to know why? Because your snobby little brat is driving the helicopter.

I think I could go on forever about this. But, it’s been 20 minutes since I flew by to make sure my child is eating his gluten free peanut free sugar free snack while working on his mensa puzzles and watching Stephen Hawking videos, so I had better check on him. Or, he may be in his room picking his nose.