Dear Diary March 1st, 2017

Dear Diary: It’s been 1,359 days since transplant surgery. I’m basically removed from the one medication that actually had done something good for me. In the pain clinic’s infinite wisdom and clearly knowing more about me and my pain than I do, I’m on a new medication that doesn’t work as well, but fits what they want better. It makes me so happy to know that the pain clinic cares more about WHAT medications I am taking and LESS about how I actually feel. It is frustrating that no one pays attention to how you actually feel. The physiotherapist wants me to video tape how I walk. She says if I see how poorly I walk, I’ll maybe be able to fix it with my mind. You’re right, lady. Forget the wheelchair. I’ll just wish myself better. Maybe she is an evangelist on the side.

On the up side, I visited my other pain doctor, the one the ACTUALLY cares, Dr. Ahmed. She asked me how I am feeling. And when I told her, she said, “that’s because the pain clinic doesn’t know what the fuck they are doing and they don’t care about your individual pain.” I like seeing a doctor that swears. She tells it like it is. She understands that the only goal of the other pain clinic is to make sure I’m not taking any opiates, regardless whether or not removing them destroys my quality of life. The good part is that my other pain doctor has no problem addressing my symptoms. Knee killing me as usual? Let’s put some injections in there to stop the pain for a while. The chronic headaches and migraines driving me crazy? Let’s put 30+ botox injections in there to give you relief for a few months. She uses common sense. Maybe she can’t take all the pain away forever, but maybe we can make life decent for you so that you don’t wish you were dead.

Dr. Ahmed fears she isn’t making a difference and she’s not fixing the problem. I told her that when we come to see people like her we are at the end of the road. We don’t expect miracles. Someone that simply listens to us is 100 times more than what we get most of the time. I told her that the short term relief that we get is better than the nothing we have every other day.

All I know is that 2 days of relief from her is better than an entire year of being patronized and ignored at my pain clinic. I just pray that she doesn’t burn herself out on the burden of care for people like me. Please let her last, because there are nearly no people like her out there.