Dear Diary, March 16, 2017:

Dear Diary: it’s been 1,374 days since transplant surgery. It feels like I had my knee operated on 3 weeks ago. Everything hurts. I had dozens of botox injections in my face and neck a few weeks ago for my horrible, debilitating, constant headaches. Aside from not being able to furrow my brow any longer and not being able to feel my forehead, I thought it was going pretty well. Then, a couple days ago, a headache started. It was so bad the night before last I was up for a 7 hour stretch in the night with my large heating pad as hot as I could put it, wrapped completely around my head (thanks for the break out now). I took as many meds as I could without shutting down my liver and curled myself in a ball until this morning. I thought I was in the clear, but that damn headache came back. It’s so frustrating. At least the number of headaches has dropped, though. I guess one cannot ever expect perfection.

It drives me crazy that my body will dictate what I can do on a day to day basis. I had to cancel plans again, which I hate doing, but so often have to do because of the pain or problems with the medication, or inability to walk far enough to get where I am going or I’m in too much pain to wheel myself in my chair. I never thought that pain and illness would decide what my life would be like. I have been watching military movies lately (I go through phases like this periodically), and it’s not just because I like the action and the guns. It’s bittersweet, actually. I always wanted to be in the military so I find the genre interesting. The bitter part is that it reminds me that I never will be in the military. That when I was younger I was too stupid to go into the military and then when I really wanted to go in my knee was already on its way out. I know that it really doesn’t matter because women don’t ever get any good opportunities in the military, and I am sure I would have been disappointed when I hit the glass ceiling there. Oh to dream, though.

Well diary, this week has been uneventful. The pain is constant and unrelenting. I just wonder when I will ever get a break. One day soon would be great.