Dear Diary for November 23rd, 2018

Dear Diary: It’s been 1,992 days since transplant surgery. Life is a whirlwind as usual, but not in the same way that it normally seems to be. I’m preparing for knee replacement surgery, which means I’m doing tons of weight training and exercises to prepare for yet another surgery. The pain it’s causing me to work out again is so intense. I miss my Fentanyl and may need to get back on it if I am going to be able to continue to function. Getting out of bed is so hard these days, and my workouts are killing me. I miss being 20. Although I don’t ever remember a time where the pain wasn’t unbearable. I was just younger then and it was easier to power through it I suppose. Now it feels like being under a bus that keeps driving over me day in and day out.

Like, I am excited to get surgery. But, I also know it’s number 6 on my knee, or is it 7? I can’t keep track now. I do know that it’s messing up my tattoo completion of Pennywise the clown. Damn it all! I wanted it done and now I can’t get it done til after surgery so the incision doesn’t infringe on my expensive tattoo or cause delays in surgery. It would be just my luck to get tattoo issues and not get a new knee for a year. The hope is 3-4 months for the replacement.

I’ve been down lately. The pain is so much worse all the time I hate to think what surgery is going to be like again. I hope that it’s not going to be a disaster that leaves me in more pain if that’s possible. I’ll even take 20% better than now so I can go to the mall without a wheelchair. Not exactly the life I was expecting. I know that this won’t be a miracle cure. The rest of my body is destroyed from a life of pain and injury. The knee has so much scar tissue it will never recover the same and it will greatly impact how the knee replacement works. Their hope is that I can walk at the mall, maybe ride a bike, so we really aren’t looking at making me an Olympian or anything.

I am just tired of feeling trapped. Of being trapped. I miss life. Work. Climbing. Skiing. Dancing. I really miss dancing. That was a great passion that I’ve lost. Hard to dance with a cane and a leg that won’t stop hurting. But, I guess I’m alive. Many are worse off than me and feel much worse. At least this won’t really impact my life negatively, even if it fails miserably. The hope really though is that it works so that the left knee can get replaced. It desperately needs replacing as well and my old surgeon wouldn’t touch it since this transplant failed. If the replacement shows improvement, hopefully I can start leaning on the surgeon about the left knee, and possibly the right hip, which has caused me problems since before kindergarten. How I made it this long I don’t even know haha. I guess I was destined to suffer. Thank god for Diet Pepsi and chocolate!!!

Reconnected with an old girlfriend this week. Was nice to talk to her and see how life has been, talk about old times, new times, what was good, what was bad, what was ugly. I’m glad not much was ugly. It may have seemed so at the time, but it was also great. Wish she lived closer so we could hang out and catch up more. I miss having friends to see on a regular basis. Have to visit sometime in the future and cause trouble in Kelowna :).

I spoke to a CX Union bigwig this week and she’s surprised I was forced to retire because of my years of service and education. Sadly that was the case. My union basically shoved my butt out the door. They didn’t help at all except to sabotage me in any attempt for a return to work somewhere. That and my prison refused to allow me to work anywhere else in any other job. Crazy I know.

Well, not much else happening in my life of course. Living within 1000 square feet means not much to report on any given day. Too much pain to hit the gym today. That makes me crazy that the pain is always so bad. Hopefully tomorrow I’m better and can go work out the leg to get ready for surgery!

Until next time Diary!!